150 Funny Quotes about Women

women will be women

150 Funny Women’s Quotes and Saying:


“Don’t judge a women from 100 feet away.”


“God made Adam first because he didn’t want any advice from Eve how to make Adam.”

“Men at most differ as Heaven and Earth, but women, worst and best, as Heaven and Hell.” » Alfred Lord Tennyson


“Scientists now believe that the primary biological function of breasts is to make men stupid.” » Dave Barry


“Here’s all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.”


“In a perfect world, all of a woman’s issues could be fixed with WD-40 and duct tape.” » Jason Love


“A woman wears her tears like jewelry.”


“How can a woman be expected to be happy with a man who insists on treating her as if she were a perfectly normal human being.”


“Any woman can fool a man if she wants to and if he’s in love with her.”


“God is the best inventor ever. He took a rib from a man and created a loudspeaker.”


“I have a friend named Doris who argues, on good authority, that the single biggest cause of global warming is menopause.” » Dave Barry


“I wonder why it is, that young men are always cautioned against bad girls. Anyone can handle a bad girl. It’s the good girls men should be warned against.”


“Cosmetics is a boon to every woman, but a girl’s best friend is still a nearsighted man.”


“If the world were ruled by women then there would be no war… Just couple of nations not talking with each other.”


“What counts is not how many animals were killed to make the fur, but how many animals the woman had to sleep with to get the fur.” » Angela LaGreca


“Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.” » George Carlin


“Men are generally more law- abiding than women. Women have the feeling that since they didn’t make the rules, the rules have nothing to do with them.”


“It is very difficult to tell a woman where you’re planning to go..Cos it’s difficult to answer the rest.. WHERE?. WHEN? and FOR WHAT PURPOSE?. And then comes the worst “I WOULD LIKE TO JOIN?”


“I am not a cat man, but a dog man, and all felines can tell this at a glance – By a sharp, vindictive glance.


“Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. And they are both disappointed.”


“Between men and women there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship.”


“A husband only worries about a particular Other Man; a wife distrusts her whole species.” » Mignon McLaughlin


“Being a woman is a terribly difficult task since it consists principally in dealing with men.” »Joseph Conrad


“I have an idea that the phrase weaker sex was coined by some woman to disarm some man she was preparing to overwhelm.” » Ogden Nash


“For most of history, Anonymous was a woman.” » By Virginia Woolf


“How to find a wife… Step 1 of 2: Find a woman you like now but you know you’re going to hate in 5 or less years. Give her your house.”


“As long as a woman can look ten years younger than her own daughter, she is perfectly satisfied.” » Oscar Wilde


“A cosmetic is a boon to every woman, but a girl’s best friend is still a near sighted man.”


“I do not believe in using women in combat, because females are too fierce.” » Margaret Mead


“Can you imagine a world without men? No crime and lots of happy fat women.” » Nicole Hollander


“Sigmund Freud once said, ‘What do women want?’ The only thing I have learned in fifty-two years is that women want men to stop asking dumb questions like that.” » Bill Cosby


“Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily this is not difficult.” » Charlotte Whitton


“Guys are like dogs. They keep coming back. Ladies are like cats. Yell at a cat one time…they’re gone.”


“A women may be misinformed, mislead, unclear, misguided, and even downright stupid..but she is never ever wrong.”


“Despite my thirty years of research into the woman soul, I have not yet been able to answer the great question that has never been answered: What does a woman want?” » Sigmund Freud


“If a woman insists on being called Ms, ask her if it stands for miserable.”


“Men will spend 2 dollars on a 1 dollar item that they desperately need. Women will spend 1 dollar on a 2 dollar item that they don’t need at all.”


“How to turn a fox into an elephant? Marry her.”


“Give a girl the right shoes and she can conquer the world.” » Marilyn Monroe.


“The secret to winning an argument with a woman: They have to be dead.” » John Betz, Jr.


“A woman’s mind is cleaner than a man’s – By That’s because she changes it more often.”


“There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.” » Chris Rock


“A Frenchwoman, when double- crossed, will kill her rival; the Italian woman would rather kill her deceitful lover; the Englishwoman simply breaks off relations- but they all will console themselves with another man.”


“All women are basically in competition with each other for a handful of eligible men.” » Mignon McLaughlin


“I prefer the word homemaker, because housewife always implies that there may be a wife someplace else.” » Bella Abzug


“Feminine intuition is a fiction and a fraud. It is nonsensical, illogical, emotional, ridiculous, and practically foolproof.” » Harry Haenigsen


“On one issue, at least, men and women agree. They both distrust women.” » H.L. Mencken


“From 30 feet away she looked like a lot of class. From 15 feet away she looked like something made up to be seen from 30 feet away.” » Raymond Chandler


“I’d much rather be a woman than a man. Women can cry, they can wear cute clothes, and they are the first to be rescued off of sinking ships.” » Gilda Radner


“Women have more imagination than men. They need it to tell us how wonderful we are.” » Arnold H. Glasow


“Don’t give a woman advice; one should never give a woman anything she can’t wear in the evening.”


“Girls are like pianos. When they’re not upright, they’re grand.” » Benny Hill


“Every girl should use what Mother Nature gave her before Father Time takes it away.” » Laurence J. Peter


“A man’s face is his autobiography. A woman’s face is her work of fiction.” » Oscar Wilde


“Women are definitely more interested in muscles than a sense of humor. You will never hear a woman say, “I wish Brad Pitt would put his shirt back on and tell some jokes.” » Dave Barry


“I never argue now with a woman, I just take my beating like a man.”


“A woman can smell mink through six inches of lead.”


“I don’t condone wife beating, but I understand it!”


“I hope that you all enjoyed these funny, interesting and incredibly true quotes about women!


“There are two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither works.” » Will Rogers


“If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, how come they can’t have a headache and sex at the same time?- Billy Connolly


“After about 20 years of marriage, I’m finally starting to scratch the surface of that one. And I think the answer lies somewhere between conversation and chocolate.” » Mel Gibson


“The most terrifying thing any woman can say to me is “Notice anything different?” » Mike Vanatta


“I hate women because they always know where things are.” » James Thurber, American Humorist


“Do you not know I am a woman? when I think, I must speak.” » William Shakespeare, As You Like It.”


“Women should be obscene and not heard.” » Groucho Marx


“I love women. They’re the best thing ever created. If they want to be like men and come down to our level, that’s fine.” » Mel Gibson


“Men enjoy being thought of as hunters, but are generally too lazy to hunt. Women, on the other hand, love to hunt, but would rather nobody knew it.” » Mignon McLaughlin


“Every time a woman leaves off something she looks better, but every time a man leaves off something he looks worse.”


“The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired.” » Milton Berle


“Girls have an unfair advantage over men: if they can’t get what they want by being smart, they can get it by being dumb.”


“Good girls go to heaven, bad girls go everywhere.” » Mae West


“If a woman tells you that she is single by choice, it’s probably because no one has chosen her.”


“Curve: The loveliest distance between two points.” » Mae West


“If your wife wants to learn to drive, don’t stand in her way.”


“America is a land where men govern, but women rule.” » John Mason Brown


“To judge from the covers of countless women’s magazines, the two topics most interesting to women are First – Why men are all disgusting pigs, and Second- How to attract men.” » Dave Barry


“Man has will; but woman has her way.” » Oliver Wendell Holmes


“A man may be right or wrong…but a woman is always right”


“A pessimist is a man who thinks all women are bad. An optimist is a man who hopes they are.” » Chauncey Mitchell Depew


“Fighting is essentially a masculine idea; a woman’s weapon is her tongue.” » Hermione Gingold


“In passing, also, I would like to say that the first time Adam had a chance he laid the blame on woman.” » Nancy Astor, My Two Countries


“A woman knows how to keep quiet when she is in the right, whereas a man, when he is in the right, will keep on talking.” » Malcolm de Chazal


“The women’s movement hasn’t changed my sex life. It wouldn’t dare.” » Zsa Zsa “I like my whisky old and my women young.”


“Age to women is like Kryptonite to Superman.”


“Men are from mars, women are from “Do I look fat in these?”.


“Mennicillin is a new drug for women that increases resistance to timeworn but effective lines, like “You make me want to be a better person.”


“A foolish man tells a woman to stop talking, but a wise man tells her that her mouth is extremely beautiful when her lips are closed.”


“Women complain about sex more often than men. Their gripes fall into two major categories: i) Not Enough. ii) Too much.” » Ann Landers


“God made women beautiful and foolish, … beautiful that man might love her; and foolish, that she might love him.”


“Ah, women. They make the highs higher and the lows more frequent.” » Friedrich Nietzsche


“If you see a nice man with great personality, good dressings, nice and high morals and character. What you call him? Yes, a gentle man! Have you ever meet a gentle woman?”


“It doesn’t matter how attractive someone is when you marry, even a white cat is black in the dark.”


“High heels were invented by a woman who had been kissed on the forehead.” » Christopher Morley


“From what I understand about the female experience, the period should be called something more drastic, like the exclamation point.”


“I am the boss in this house my wife told me so.”


“God did it on purpose so that we may love you men instead of laughing at you.” » Mrs Patrick Campbell


“Men socialize by insulting one another, but they don’t really mean it. Women socialize by complimenting one another… But they don’t really mean it, either.”


“I married beneath me – all women do.” » Nancy Astor


“There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL convertible.” » P. J. O’Rourke


“When my wife says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space and write a poem on the moon before we go.” » Mike Vanatta


“A woman is like a tea bag – you never know how strong she is until she gets in hot water.” » Eleanor Roosevelt


“Every woman is wrong until she cries, and then she is right – instantly.” » Sam Slick


“Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.” » Groucho Marx


“Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.”


“Americans like fat books and thin women.”


“A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.” » Groucho Marx


“I went out with a promiscuous impressionist. She did everybody.” » Jay London


“Most women set out to try to change a man, and when they have changed him they do not like him.” » Marlene Dietrich


“I’m a woman.. I’m smart. I never lose an argument. I can cook. I like to read fashion magazines. I love to be right. Men don’t understand us. We must have secret powers, because I don’t understand us, either.”


“A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she’s a tramp.” » Joan Rivers


“I would rather trust a woman’s instinct than a man’s reason.” » Stanley Baldwin


“Men are from Mars, women are from Venus; ex’s are from Uranus.”


“Fake hair, fake nails, fake eye lash, artificial face and sometimes fake behavior, yet a woman will say she needs a real man.”


“My last girlfriend had a memory so good she could remember things that never happened.” » Greg Tamblyn


“Women give us solace, but if it were not for women we would never need solace.” » Don Herold


“Don’t argue! You cannot win. You cannot beat a woman in a argument. It’s impossible. You will not win. Cause, men, we are handicapped when it comes to arguing cause we have a need to make sense.”


“I don’t get why girls go to college, you don’t need a degree to make a sandwich.”


“If women didn’t exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.” » Aristotle Onassis


“A wise man once said “I don’t know, ask a girl.”


“Is the reason we have so few female politicians that it would take too long to put make up on their two faces.”


“I could sooner reconcile all Europe than two women.”


“A woman should soften but not weaken a man.” » Sigmund Freud


“A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.” » Gloria Steinem


“A woman can say more in a sigh than a man can say in a sermon.” » Arnold Haultain


“Behind every successful man is a woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.”


“To a smart girl men are no problem – they’re the answer.” » Zsa Zsa Gabor


“Because I’m a guy, I think what you’re wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?”


“A man gives many question marks, however, a woman is a whole mystery.” » Diana Sturm


“If a woman tells you she’s twenty and looks sixteen, she’s twelve. If she tells you she’s twenty- six and looks twenty-six, she’s damn near forty.” » Chris Rock


“Men will always delight in a woman whose voice is lined with velvet.” » Brendan Francis


“The only reason I’d ever get a sex change operation is to see what it’s like to be right all the time.” » Brian


“Men are simpler than you imagine my sweet child. But what goes on in the twisted, tortuous minds of women would baffle anyone.” » Daphne du Maurier


“All men are convinced that all women suffer from Attention-To-Their-Appearance Deficit Disorder.”


“All girls can be intelligent..you just gotta act stupid in front of them.”


“I hate housework. You make the beds, you wash the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.” » Joan Rivers


“Some – and here I’m referring to my wife – can share as many as three days’ worth of feelings about an event that took eight seconds to actually happen.” » Dave Barry


“All pretty girls are a trap, a pretty trap, and men expect them to be.” » Tennessee Williams


“It upsets women to be, or not to be, stared at hungrily.” » Mignon McLaughlin


“I’d much rather be a woman than a man. Women can cry, they can wear cute clothes, and they are the first to be rescued off of sinking ships.”


“A beauty is a woman you notice; a charmer is one who notices you.”


3 comments

  • JOAN OF ARCHWAY

    “If a woman insists on being called Ms, ask her if it stands for miserable.”

    Only when Mister stands for mist-her clitoris… again!

  • You should delete your Bill Cosby comment. He was definitely not asking women “what they wanted”.

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