Funny Love Quotes - No Man Is Truly Married Until He Understands Every Word His Wife Is NOT Saying

Funny Love Quotes with Images

Hilarious collection of cute, funny Love quotes and sarcastic love quotes and sayings.

Also see: Funny Being Single Quotes

Funny Love Quotes and Sayings

“My wife was afraid of the dark.. then she saw me naked and now she’s afraid of the light.” » Rodney Dangerfield

“There are three kinds of men who do not understand women: Young, old, and middle-aged.” (and with good reason)

“You can’t put a price tag on love. But if you could, I’d wait for it to go on sale.” » Hussein Nishah

“A happy home is one in which each spouse grants the possibility that the other may be right, though neither believes it.” » Don Fraser

“I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?” » Jean Illsley Clarke

“To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance.” » Oscar Wilde

“To love someone as much as you love yourself, that is the ideal. Especially if that someone is your clone.” » Jarod Kintz

“Love is like war: Easy to begin but hard to end.”

You Know It’S Love When You Want To Keep Holding Hands Even After You’Re Sweaty. Funny Love Quotes amd Sayings

“All marriages are happy. It’s trying to live together afterwards that causes all the problems.” » Shelley Winters

“Birds do it, bees do it, even educated fleas do it. Let’s do it, let’s fall in love.” » Cole Porter

“My wife gets all the money I make. I just get an apple and clean clothes every morning.” » Ray Romano

“A touch of love, everyone becomes a poet.” » Plato- Funny Love Quotes

“Nothing spoils romance so much as a sense of humour in the woman.” » Oscar Wilde

“A woman might as well propose: her husband will claim she did.” » Edgar Watson Howe

“What female heart can despise gold?” » Thomas Gray

“Love is being stupid together.” » Paul Valery

 Funny Love Quotes and Sayings True Love Is Like Seeing Ghosts; We All Talk About It, But Few Of Us Have Ever Seen One. » La Rochefoucauld

Love ceases to be a pleasure, when it ceases to be a secret.” » Aphra Behn

“Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand”

“My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.” » Joan Rivers

“That love at first sight should happen to me, was Life’s most delicious revenge on a self-opinionated fool.” » Charles Boyer

“The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing — and then marry him.” » Cher

“Love is a lot like a backache, it doesn’t show up on X-rays, but you know it’s there.” » George Burns

“I love you like a fat kid loves cake.” » Scott Adams

Also see: 150 Funny Quotes about Women

“The four most important words in any marriage…”I’ll do the dishes.”

“True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked.” » Erich Segal

People Should Fall In Love With Their Eyes Closed. » Andy Warhol Funny Love Quotes and Sayings

“There will be sex after death, we just won’t be able to feel it.” » Lily Tomlin

“When a relationship goes flat, so does a couple of sets of car tires.”

“A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.” » Helen Rowland

“Love is temporary insanity curable by marriage.” » Ambrose Bierce

“Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your heart or burn down your house, you can never tell.” » Joan Crawford

“If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?”

“Marriage marks the end of many short follies – being one long stupidity.” » Friedrich Nietzsche

My Wife Was Afraid Of The Dark.. Then She Saw Me Naked And Now She'S Afraid Of The Light..

“Love is the thing that enables a woman to sing while she mops up the floor after her husband has walked across it in his barn boots.”- Funny Love Quotes

“Beneath every cynic there lies a romantic, though, maybe, an injured one.”

“When we got married I told my wife “If you leave me, I’m going with you. And she never did.” »James Fineous McBride

“Love is a lot like a backache, it doesn’t show up on X-rays, but you know it’s there.” » George Burns

“Love has the power of making you believe what you would normally treat with the deepest suspicion.” » Mirabeau

“Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings and lawyers.” » Richard Pryor

“You could empty the trash and my love for you still wouldn’t fit inside. But just because it won’t fit, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t empty the trash.” » Jarod Kintz

“To be in love is merely to be in a state of perpetual anesthesia – to mistake an ordinary young woman for a goddess.” » H.L. Mencken

 Funny Love Quotes and Sayings My Brother Is Gay And My Parents Don’T Care, As Long As He Marries A Doctor. » Elayne Boosler.

“Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited love.” » Charlie Brown

“The perfect love affair is one which is conducted entirely by post.” » George Bernard Shaw

“Real love amounts to withholding the truth, even when you’re offered the perfect opportunity to hurt someone’s feelings.” » David Sedaris

“Whenever I date a guy, I think, is this the man that I want my children to spend their weekends with?” » Rita Rudner

“I thought I was promiscuous, but it turns out I was just thorough.” » Russell Brand

“Trust your husband, adore your husband, and get as much as you can in your own name.” » Joan Rivers

“Love doesn’t make the world go round. Love is what makes the ride worthwhile.” » Franklin P. Jones

“I went to a meeting for premature ejactulators. I left early.” » Jack Benny

 Funny Love Quotes and Sayings: Men Only Have Two Faults….What They Do, And What They Say!.

“Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.” » Jackie Mason

“Love is hiding who you are at all times. It’s wearing make-up to bed and going downstairs to Burger King to poop.” » Rock- Funny Love Quotes

“It’s been so long since I made love, I can’t even remember who gets tied up.” » Joan Rivers

“People should fall in love with their eyes closed.” » Andy Warhol

“I love you and it’s getting worse.” » Joseph E. Morris

“Love is only a dirty trick played on us to achieve continuation of the species.” » W. Somerset Maugham

“The last time I was inside a woman was when I went to the Statue of Liberty.” » Woody Allen

“Loving is like peeing in your pants – everyone can see it but only you can feel the warmth”

Men Aren’T Necessities, They’Re Luxuries. » Cher Funny Love Quotes and Sayings

“Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

“Marriage is a great institution for those who like institutions.” » Tommy Dewar

“Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.”

“The perfect lover is one who turns into a pizza at 4:00 A.M.” » Charles Pierce

“It wasn’t love at first sight. It took a full five minutes.” » Lucille Ball

“Men always want to be a woman’s first love – women like to be a man’s last romance.” » Oscar Wilde

“What the world really needs is more love and less paper work.” » Pearl Bailey

“Marriage is a romance in which the heroine dies in the first chapter.” » Cecilia Egan

“If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question?” » Lily Tomlin

Men Are From Earth. Women Are From Earth. Deal With It. » George Carlin.

“Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.” » Billy Crystal

“It does not matter what you do in the bedroom as long as you do not do it in the street and frighten the horses.” » Mrs. Patrick Campbell

“No matter how love-sick a woman is, she shouldn’t take the first pill that comes along.” » Joyce Brothers

“Men are from Earth. Women are from Earth. Deal with it.” » George Carlin

“No man is truly married until he understands every word his wife is NOT saying.”

“Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing.” » Natasha Leggero

“Love thy neighbor, just watch out for the husband.”

“In the morning I can’t eat, I’m thinking of you. In the evening I can’t eat, I’m still thinking of you. In the night I can’t sleep. I’m so hungry!

Marry A Man Your Own Age; As Your Beauty Fades, So Will His Eyesight. » Phyllis Diller Funny Love Quotes and Sayings

“My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don’t really know me.” » Garry Shandling- Funny Love Quotes

“Love can change a person the way a parent can change a baby- awkwardly, and often with a great deal of mess.” » Lemony Snicket

“Marriage is a fine institution – but I’m not ready for an institution.” » Mae West

“A man falls in love through his eyes, a woman through her ears.” » Les Dawson

“Love is the delightful interval between meeting a beautiful girl and discovering that she looks like a haddock.” » John Barrymore

“Come live in my heart and pay no rent.” » Samuel Lover

“I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.” » Walt Disney

“I don’t trust or love anyone. Because people are so creepy. Creepy creepy creeps. Creeping around. Creeping here and creeping there. Creeping everywhere. Crippity crappity creepies.” » Vincent Gallo

Marriage Is Really Tough Because You Have To Deal With Feelings And Lawyers. » Richard Pryor.

“A man who says his wife can’t take a joke, forgets that she took him.

“Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.” » Erma Bombeck

“Love is like war, easy to begin but hard to end.” » Leo Buscaglia

“To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering one must not love. But then one suffers from not loving. Therefore to love is to suffer, not to love is to suffer. To suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love. To be happy then is to suffer. But suffering makes one unhappy. Therefore, to be unhappy one must love, or love to suffer, or suffer from too much happiness. I hope you’re getting this down.” » Woody Allen, Love and Death

“Love is blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.” » Pauline Thomason

“Love is like any other luxury. You have no right to it unless you can afford it.” » Anthony Trollope

“If loving someone is putting them in a straitjacket and kicking them down a flight of stairs, then yes, I have loved a few peopleJarod Kintz

“The sincerest love is the love of food.” » Bernard Shaw

Loving Is Like Peeing In Your Pants - Everyone Can See It But Only You Can Feel The Warmth. Funny Love Quotes and Sayings

“A pair of powerful spectacles has sometimes sufficed to cure a person in love.” » Friedrich Nietzsche- Funny Love Quotes

“It is easier to love humanity as a whole than to love one’s neighbor.” » Eric Hoffer

“It is not uncommon for slight acquaintances to get married, but a couple really have to know each other to get divorced.”

“My wife and I have sex almost every day of the week,” Milton Berle once said. “Yes, almost Monday, almost Tuesday, almost Wednesday.” » Milton Berle

“The only thing worse than a boy who hates you: a boy that loves you.” » Markus Zusak

“Shopping is better than sex. At least if you’re not satisfied, you can exchange it for something you really like.” » Adrienne Gusoff

“Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.” » Phyllis Diller

“Remember, beneath every cynic there lies a romantic, and probably an injured one.” » Glenn Beck

“Never go to bed mad — stay up and fight.” » Phyllis Diller

 Funny Love Quotes and Sayings - Love May Be Blind But Marriage Is A Real Eye-Opener!.

“Love is a mutual self-giving which ends in self-recovery.” » Fulton J. Sheen

“Love is an electric blanket with somebody else in control of the switch.” » Cathy Carlyle

“My brother is gay and my parents don’t care, as long as he marries a doctor.” » Elayne Boosler

“If you do kiss a politician, remember this: You are not only kissing him, you are kissing every butt that he has kissed in the last eight years.” » Jay Leno

“If you want to sacrifice the admiration of many men for the criticism of one, go ahead, get married.” » Katharine Hepburn

“Love is the answer, but while you’re waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty interesting questions.” » Woody Allen

“A youth with his first cigar makes himself sick. A youth with his first girl makes everybody sick.” » Mary Wilson

“Love, I’ve come to understand is more than three words mumbled before bedtime.” » Nicholas Sparks- Funny Love Quotes

“Love is like quicksilver in the hand. Leave the fingers open and it stays. Clutch it, and it darts away.” » Dorothy Parker

Love Is The Answer, But While You’Re Waiting For The Answer, Sex Raises Some Pretty Interesting Questions. » Woody Allen Funny Love Quotes and Sayings

“Marriage is like jogging through a puddle of industrial strength rubber glue. You can work hard and make it through the struggles; however, you usually leave your bobby socks and sneakers behind along the way.”

“I love being married. It’s so great to find one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.” » Rita Rudner

“love is like a war; easy to start but hard to end and you never know where it might take you”

“You can’t put a price tag on love. But if you could, I’d wait for it to go on sale.” » Hussein Nishah

“Men only have two faults….What they do, and what they say!”

“I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy.” » Steve Martin

“A love without indiscretion is no lover at all.” » Thomas Hardy

“A proof that experience is of no use, is that the end of one love does not prevent us from beginning another.” » Paul Bourget

Love Is Loving What Your Lover Loves. Funny Love Quotes and Sayings

“Women marry men hoping they will change.Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed.” » Albert Einstein

“When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife is.”

Also see: 80 Funny Inspirational Quotes

“A happy man marries the girl he loves; a happier man loves the girl he marries

“Love is like the measles; we all have to go through it.” » Jerome K. Jerome

“Marrying a man is like buying something you’ve been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn’t always go with everything else in the house.” » Jean Kerr

“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.” » Lily Tomlin

“You can’t buy love, but you can pay heavily for it.” » Henny Youngman- Funny Love Quotes

“Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, “Where have I gone wrong?” Then a voice says to me, “This is going to take more than one night.” » Charles Schulz

 Funny Love Quotes - If You Can Stay In Love For More Than Two Years, You'Re On Something. » Fran Lebowitz.

“We cannot really love anybody without whom we never laugh.” » Alice Reppler

“A man is already halfway in love with any woman who listens to him.” » Brendan Francis

“I detest ‘love lyrics.’ I think one of the causes of bad mental health in the United States is that people have been raised on ‘love lyrics.” » Frank Zappa

“If you can stay in love for more than two years, you’re on something.” » Fran Lebowitz

“If you love something set it free, but don’t be surprised if it comes back with herpes.” » Chuck Palahniuk

“Love is the gross exaggeration of the difference between one person and everyone else.” » George Bernard Shaw

“First love is a kind of vaccination which saves man from catching the complaint the second time.” » Honore de Balzac

“Men aren’t necessities, they’re luxuries.” » Cher

“Only time can heal your broken heart, just as only time can heal his broken arms and legs.” » Miss Piggy

“Falling in love is not at all the most stupid thing that people do, but gravitation cannot be held responsible for it.” » Albert Einstein

“The only true love is love at first sight; second sight dispels it.” » Israel Zangwill

“Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener!”

 Funny Love Quotes - No Man Is Truly Married Until He Understands Every Word His Wife Is NOT Saying.

“An archeologist is the best husband any woman can have; the older she gets, the more interested he is in her.” » Agatha Christie

“You know it’s love when you want to keep holding hands even after you’re sweaty.”

“Marrying for love may be a bit risky, but it is so honest that God can’t help but smile on it.” » Josh Billings

“Women are meant to be loved, not to be understood.” » Oscar Wilde

“A lady of 47 who has been married 27 years and has six children knows what love really is and once described it for me like this: ‘Love is what you’ve been through with somebody.” » James Thurber

“True love is like seeing ghosts; we all talk about it, but few of us have ever seen one.” » La Rochefoucauld

“Women love a self-confident bald man.” » Larry David

“Love lasteth as long as the money endureth.” » William Caxton

“If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on how to do it? » Bette Midler

“It is impossible to love and be wise.” » Francis Bacon

“Love is loving what your lover loves”

“Men make the highs higher and the lows more frequent.”

“I’m now making a Jewish porno film. 10% sex, 90% guilt.” » Henny Youngman

“All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.” » Charles Schulz

“My heart’s in the right place. I know, ‘cuz I hid it there.” » Carrie Fisher

“Love is a grave mental disease.” » Plato- Funny Love Quotes

 Funny Love Quotes - If Love Is The Answer, Could You Please Rephrase The Question » Lily Tomlin.

“Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties.” » Jules Renard

“Do not marry a man to reform him. That is what reform schools are for.” » Mae West

“You call it madness, but I call it love.” » Don Byas

“Gravitation can not be held responsible for people falling in love.” » Albert Einstein

“You have to walk carefully in the beginning of love; the running across fields into your lover’s arms can only come later when you’re sure they won’t laugh if you trip.” » Jonathan Carroll

“There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.” » Chris Rock

“Three things can’t be hidden: coughing, poverty, and love.” » Yiddish proverb

“Once you have loved someone, you’d do anything in the world for them… except love them again.”

“People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy.” » Bob Hope

“Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go, it’s one of the best.” » Woody Allen

“Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them.” Bill Maher

“Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. That’s relativity.” » Albert Einstein

“Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you’re in.” » Richard Jeni

“Love; A temporary insanity curable by marriage.” » Ambrose Bierce

“I’m always looking for meaningful one night stands.” » Dudley Moore

“Women like me because I make them laugh. And what is an orgasm, except laughter of the loins? » Mickey Rooney

 Funny Love Quotes - Eighty Percent Of Married Men Cheat In America. The Rest Cheat In Europe. » Jackie Mason.

“I should like to see any kind of a man, distinguishable from a gorilla, that some good and even pretty woman could not shape a husband out of.” » Oliver Wendell Holmes, Sr.

“An old man who marries a young wife grows younger – but she grows older.” » folk saying

“Love means nothing in tennis, but it’s everything in life.”

“I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the time he killed himself.” » Johnny Carson

“To fear love is to fear life, and those who fear life are already three parts dead.” » Bertrand Russell

“Love thy neighbor — and if he happens to be tall, debonair and devastating, it will be that much easier.” » Mae West – Funny Love Quotes

“Love sucks. Sometimes it feels good. Sometimes it’s just another way to bleed.” » Laurell K. Hamilton

“A bride at her second wedding does not wear a veil. She wants to see what she is getting.” » Helen Rowland

“Romantic love is mental illness. But it’s a pleasurable one. It’s a drug. It distorts reality, and that’s the point of it. It would be impossible to fall in love with someone that you really saw.” » Fran Lebowitz

“You can’t buy love on eBay.”

“The only people who make love all the time are liars.” » Louis Jordan

 Funny Love Quotes - Birds Do It, Bees Do It, Even Educated Fleas Do It. Let’S Do It, Let’S Fall In Love. » Cole Porter.

“The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to love our enemies; probably because generally they are the same people.” » G.K. Chesterton

“Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.” » Chelsea Handler

“Being a good husband is like being a stand-up comic. You need 10 years before you can call yourself a beginner.” » Jerry Seinfeld

“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.” » Groucho Marx

“Love is an exploding cigar we willingly smoke.” » Lynda Barry

“The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he’s a baby.” »Natalie Wood