80 Funny Quotes – One Liners with Images

Written by Mandy
 

Following are the best funny quotes, one-liner, and funny short quotes with images.

Funny Quotes – One Liner

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“The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.” – Abraham Lincoln


“Doughnuts. Is there anything they can’t do?” – Homer Simpson


“If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.” – Groucho Marx


“If you haven’t got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.” – Alice Longworth


“There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.” – Margot Asquith


“Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.” – Chris Rock


“In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.” – Benjamin Franklin


“The most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and I’m here to help.” – Ronald Reagan


“Everybody’s got to believe in something. I believe I’ll have another beer.” – W. C. Fields


“When will I learn? The answer to life’s problems aren’t at the bottom of a bottle, they’re on TV!” – Homer Simpson


“I’ve been on a calendar, but never on time.” – Marilyn Monroe


“It ain’t what they call you; it is what you answer to.” – W. C. Field


“Be nice to nerds. Chances are you’ll end up working for one.” – Bill Gates


“I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.” – W. C. Fields


“The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.” – Alfred Hitchcock


“I can’t do the same thing every night, the same gestures… it’s like putting on dirty panties every day.” – Brigitte Bardot


“If a woman tells you she’s twenty and looks sixteen, she’s twelve. If she tells you she’s twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she’s damn near forty.” – Chris Rock


“I got a king-sized bed. I don’t know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he’d be comfortable.” – Mitch Hedberg


“I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.” – W. C. Fields


“I don’t want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.” – Oscar Wilde


“I like to play blackjack. I’m not addicted to gambling. I’m addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.” – Mitch Hedberg


“I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake…which I also keep handy.” – W. C. Fields


“God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.” – Robin Williams


“Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.” – Steven Wright


“I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.” – W. C. Fields


“I’m astounded by people who want to ‘know’ the universe when it’s hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.” – Woody Allen


“Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.” – Homer Simpson


“I’ve heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?” – Ronald Reagan


“Cocaine is God’s way of saying you’re making too much money.” – Robin Williams


“Here’s all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.” – George Carlin


“Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps” – Mitch Hedberg


“I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.” – Stan Laurel


“Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.” – Ernest Hemingway


“You can’t produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.” – Warren Buffett


“If you don’t read the newspaper, you’re uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you’re mis-informed.” – Mark Twain


“Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.” – Mark Twain


“Above all, if what you’ve done is stupid, but it works, it ain’t stupid.” – Robert Fulghum


“All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.” – Mae West


“Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.” – Terry Pratchett


“Every book is a children’s book if the kid can read!” – Mitch Hedberg


“You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) ‘It’s the same sex all the time.” – Robin Williams


“If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?” – Steven Wright


“It’s nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don’t want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it’s a little like saving sex for your old age.” – Warren Buffett


“If you tell people you talk to God, they’ll think you’re religious, but if you say God talks to you, it’s ten to one they’ll think you’re crazy.” – Robert Fulghum


“Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.” – Mark Twain


“There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.” – Chris Rock


“I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don’t intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.” – Neil Armstrong


“The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.” – Theodore Roosevelt


“Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.” – George Carlin


“Right now I am having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I have forgotten this before.” – Steven Wright


“War does not determine who is right – only who is left.” – Bertrand Russell


“Marriage is a great institution, but I’m not ready for an institution.” – Mae West


“What a fine weather today! Can’t choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.” – Anton Chekhov


“Always go to other people’s funerals, otherwise they won’t come to yours.” – Yogi Berra


“Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.” – Steven Wright


“Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask what is for lunch.” – Orson Welles


“If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you’re ahead of the game.” – Chris Rock


“I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.” – Mitch Hedberg


“Son, when you participate in sporting events, it’s not whether you win or lose: it’s how drunk you get.” – Homer Simpson


“I live in a neighborhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.” – Chris Rock


“I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.” – Groucho Marx


“If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.” – W. C. Fields


“I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.” – Mitch Hedberg


“A sense of humor is great – it goes a long, long way in a marriage.” – Chris Rock


“I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car’s headlights and tell you exactly which way it’s coming.” – Mitch Hedberg


“Practice makes perfect, but nobody’s perfect, so why practice?” – Kurt Cobain


“Cut my pie into four pieces, I do not think I could eat eight.” – Yogi Berra


“A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.” – Michel de Montaigne


“Good sex is like good bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.” – Mae West


“I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I’m awake, you know?” – Ernest Hemingway


“Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.” – Jules Renard


“If any of you cry at my funeral, I’ll never speak to you again.” – Stan Laurel


“What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.” – Homer Simpson


“[Meeting Aliens] Please don’t eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!” – Homer Simpson


“You cannot win in a fight against women, because men have a need to make sense.” – Chris Rock


“To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.” – Alan A. Milne


“My God. We’ve had cloning in the South for years. It’s called cousins.” – Robin Williams


“An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.” – Aldous Huxley


“When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.” – Steven Wright


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