38 Andy Borowitz Quotes

Written by Nanno
 

Andy Borowitz, born January 4, 1958, is an American comedian, writer, and actor. He is a New York Times best-selling author. He also won the first National Press Club award for humor.

Following are funny Andy Borowitz Quotes about Trump, Politics, HiliaryClinton, Life and more.

Andy Borowitz Quotes


“When Trump says ‘There has never been a movement like this,” he is omitting Germany in the 1930s.” » Andy Borowitz Quotes


“Xmas Trivia: Before it became a major shopping holiday, Christmas is believed to have had a “religious” meaning.” » Andy Borowitz Quotes


“It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads.” » Andy Borowitz Quotes


“Let’s not let a few dumb things Mitt Romney said in private overshadow the many idiotic things he’s said in public.” » Andy Borowitz Quotes


“When Tea Partyers say, “I want my country back,” ask if they can identify it on a map.” » Andy Borowitz Quotes



“A Romney presidency will be awesome unless you’re poor, sick, gay, female, Mexican or a dog.” » Andy Borowitz Quotes


“Remember the politician who wouldn’t release his tax returns and it turned out he had nothing to hide?” » Andy Borowitz Quotes


“Next time someone says, ‘Where has big government ever gotten us?’ the correct answer is ‘Mars.'” » Andy Borowitz Quotes


“Getting your news from Twitter is like asking a cat for directions.” » Andy Borowitz Quotes


“As we go from Abraham Lincoln to Theodore Roosevelt to Mitt Romney, I now understand why the Republicans don’t believe in evolution.” » Andy Borowitz Quotes


“If Mark Twain had had Twitter, he would have been amazing at it. But he probably wouldn’t have gotten around to writing Huckleberry Finn.” » Andy Borowitz Quotes


“Every week Republicans are excited about a new candidate because the one they liked last week turned out to be a moron.” » Andy Borowitz Quotes


“Maybe I’m a dreamer, but I wish mental health care were as easy to get as, say, a gun.” » Andy Borowitz Quotes


 Television Quotes – Funny Television Quotes


“I propose a Constitutional Amendment requiring a President to be a taxpayer.” » Andy Borowitz Quotes



“The question is not whether Donald Trump should be president. The question is whether he should be free to roam among us.” » Andy Borowitz Quotes


“Call me a dreamer, but I think it would be great if getting medical attention were as easy as getting a gun.” » Andy Borowitz Quotes


“Congress is furious at the Secret Service for consorting with hookers, which has traditionally been Congress’s role.” » Andy Borowitz Quotes


“The hardest thing about life is that every now and then you have to do things so you have something to tweet about.” » Andy Borowitz Quotes


“Weirdly, the people complaining about the healthcare website not working after three weeks were quiet about the Iraq war not working after eight years.” » Andy Borowitz Quotes


“Other countries care for their mentally ill. Making them debate on TV is just cruel.” » Andy Borowitz Quotes


“Facebook’s new relationship status option: “No longer able to interact with actual people” » Andy Borowitz Quotes


“If the Internet is any guide, a lot of people who are pro-gun are also anti-spelling.” » Andy Borowitz Quotes


“If you buy your July 4 supplies at Walmart you can celebrate our independence from Britain and our dependence on China at the same time.” » Andy Borowitz Quotes



“Sarah Palin has decided not to run for President and go straight to the quitting part.” » Andy Borowitz Quotes


“Bain Capital is like the ex-girlfriend Mitt tries to crop out of his profile picture but everyone can still see her arm.” » Andy Borowitz Quotes


“BREAKING: Mitt Romney will embark on a three-nation foreign trip to visit his money.” » Andy Borowitz Quotes


“The separation of church and state has been a cornerstone of American democracy for over two hundred years. Getting rid of it was long overdue.” » Andy Borowitz Quotes


“We invaded Afghanistan to find Bin Laden. We found him in Pakistan, and we’re still in Afghanistan. We need better GPS.” » Andy Borowitz Quotes


“On July 4 we celebrate government of the people, by the people, and for the people, or as they are now called, corporations.” » Andy Borowitz Quotes


“To mark Michael Phelps’ amazing Olympic career, I think the USA should legalize marijuana.” » Andy Borowitz Quotes


“I’ve invented Twofacebook, the antisocial network. You start being friends w/entire world & defriend people one by one.” » Andy Borowitz Quotes


“It used to be that people could be painfully boring in private. Facebook changed all that.” » Andy Borowitz Quotes



“The baby Jesus was the last homeless person the Republicans liked.” » Andy Borowitz Quotes


“Maybe this is crazy, but I think the right to own a gun is trumped by the right not to be shot by one.” » Andy Borowitz Quotes


“If its platform is any guide, the Republican party is staunchly pro-life until you are actually born.” » Andy Borowitz Quotes


“Jenna Jameson endorses Romney: ‘He’s the only person who’s assumed more positions than I have.'” » Andy Borowitz Quotes


“The only possible reason the Republicans have declared a war on women is they must think women have oil.” » Andy Borowitz Quotes


“The people who demanded to see Obama’s birth certificate don’t seem the slightest bit interested in seeing Romney’s tax returns.” » Andy Borowitz Quotes


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